you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
