True but thats because hes a fetus.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
