you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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