Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
