My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
