he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
