Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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