I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
