did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
