my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the condom got lost in my hair
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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