Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
