I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
