So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
