I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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