This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
