I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
