if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
