And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
