you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
