I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
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Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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