Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
