my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
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Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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