Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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