my vag is so smooth its legendary
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
