i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
