I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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