omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
