rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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