I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.