This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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