The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
