3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My vagina just clenched in fear
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