these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
