Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
