I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
