is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
