what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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