I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
