oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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