So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
