if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
