I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
