I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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