the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
