this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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