She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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