I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize