please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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