Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
