I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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