I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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