i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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