You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
