see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
