Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
