i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
