we're chasing vodka with high fives
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
