happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
