I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
